


Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

by Sophia_Bee



Category: Gossip Girl (TV 2007)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:21:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21608245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophia_Bee/pseuds/Sophia_Bee
Summary: Original Summary: Five years after Dan leaves New York City he still can't get Blair out of his heart. Dan POV, future/affair fic. This is a one-shot that got long, so I split it into three chapters. Introducing an original character.
Relationships: Dan Humphrey/Blair Waldorf
Comments: 5
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Uploading my old Dair fic to AO3, original publish date: 8/9/2012

Chapter 1

If you'd asked Dan Humphrey on Monday if he was happy, he would have said yes.

He'd walked away from the Upper East Side five years ago, left it all behind him. Dan's heart had been broken in more than one way, by more than one person, and he couldn't have anything to do with those people anymore.

He wasn't there for the fallout from his new book.

He wasn't there when Blair married Chuck.

He wasn't there when Serena finally went to rehab.

He learned over the phone that Lily had left Bart, that she was back with his father.

He wasn't there when Nate finally decided to do what his grandfather had always wanted him to do and run for office.

Dan Humphrey simple wasn't there. He walked away and never looked back, leaving the last five years of his life in his past.

The next five years were good.

He wrote a script. He had a third book published. He moved to California. He got married.

It had been a windy day when Dan said 'I do'. Her name was Emily. She was a nice girl, blond, grew up in California. She kind of reminded him of Serena, radiating sunshine. She was uncomplicated, straight-forward, and he loved her as much as he'd loved most people, so Dan ignored the fact that the thought he had as he was standing on the bluff overlooking the ocean, his curls whipping into his eyes, the roar of the ocean in the background, was...

...she's not Blair...

It was a useless thought. Dan had figured out long ago that no one comes close to Blair Waldorf. But it didn't matter if Emily was like Blair or not. Blair had chosen Chuck.

If you'd asked Dan Humphrey on Monday if he was happy, he would have said yes.

They'd returned to the city, Emily remarking how different it was. She'd grown up in Southern California with its expansive strip malls, burger joints and sandy beaches. L. A. stretched more out than up, and now she was amazed at how vertical New York was. She hung onto Dan's arm, staring up around her, asking him where the sun was. Dan smiled. She was his sunshine girl.

It was just a visit and Dan was eager to have it done, but at the same time it was nice to be home again. They stayed with Rufus and Lily, Dan laughing to himself that they were sleeping in Serena's old room. Emily asked him what was so funny and Dan answered that it was nothing really. Just a memory.

Rufus made waffles and said how nice it was to have someone else besides him and Lily at their weekly brunch. Jenny was living in Milan, trying to get her designs seen. Serena was modeling in Spain. They had become a broken apart international family. Rufus piled the table high with food and there was lots of hot coffee and Emily charmed Rufus and Lily with tales of growing up in California, blinding them with her smile and her charm. Dan smiled and squeezed his wife's arm and he was happy.

It felt good to be happy, to return to the place that had almost broken him and know that he hadn't let it win. They had spent the rest of the day walking arm in arm through Central Park, Dan telling Emily what it was like to live between worlds, to travel from Brooklyn to the Upper East Side. She asked him if he misses New York and Dan lies. He tells her that everything he wants is in California and Emily smiles. That night, after Dan brushes his teeth and put on his t-shirt and boxers, she smiles again and coaxes him into bed. She kisses him and tells him she loves him, and they giggle while they have sex, feeling like teenagers hiding from their parents, worried that Rufus and Lily might hear them.

If you'd asked Dan on Monday if he was happy, he would have said yes.

The next day is Tuesday and they only have three more days before they fly back. Lily say she wants to take Emily out shopping. Dan says he'll spend the day exploring the museums so the girls can have time together. He's missed the museums living in California. He throws a pencil in his bag, along with his notebook, and heads out on the subway, prepared to be inspired.

It's been a long time.

Dan had found a way to be happy despite the disaster his life had become. He'd walked away, found a new life, left it all behind. Until that Tuesday, when it all came crashing back in the form of a 95-pound, doe-eyed, bonmot-tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil.

"Dan Humphrey?"

Dan freezes. He knows that voice. He would know that voice anywhere.

Blair.

The last five years peel away, California never happened, he never married Emily, and he's back there again. With her. Abandoned. Hurt. Heartbroken. Dan feels an ache in his heart that he thought he had banished. He has a small, sharp intake of breath and then turns around.

"Blair Waldorf."

He is smooth, neutral, uncaring. A command performance considering that every hair on his neck is standing up, every cell in his body is tingling as he takes in Blair. Blair, still as beautiful as ever, a little bit older, her face a little more gaunt. She is dressed smartly in a plain black dress and is holding a notebook and a pencil in one hand, mirroring the notebook and pencil he holds in his own. Dan smiles.

"Bass now," she says, searching his face. Dan doesn't react because he already knows. Rufus had called him one afternoon, asked if he was sitting down. Then he'd told her that Chuck and Blair had announced their engagement. There was silence on the other end of the line as Rufus waited for Dan to react, to say something. Dan says nothing. He just stares into space. It's over.

"I just hope she's happy." Dan told his dad.

Dan had gotten drunk that night, downing one cheap beer after another in a dive bar down the street. He'd woken up lying on the couch in his apartment, his cheek plastered against the velour upholstery. His stomach had been uneasy but he made himself walk down to a small cafe near his place and that was when he met Emily. She was subbing that day for the usual wait staff. Dan had been set free from Blair Waldorf, so he asked her out. She seemed nice enough, she laughed at his jokes, she was a pretty girl. The rest was history.

Now Blair Bass stands in front of him and Dan's eyes go to her left hand. There's a ring there, a gauche shiny thing. Nothing he would have picked out if it had been him down on one knee. Dan almost winces but manages to keep his face neutral as he looks back at Blair.

"Congratulations."

Blair shrugs and gives a little half-smile.

"Thanks. It's been a few years now."

"I'm sure you're very happy." Dan says. "It's what you always wanted."

Blair doesn't look happy. She actually looks sad hearing Dan wish her well. Dan blinks, not sure what else to say. Awkward silence stretches between them.

"You're visiting?" Blair finally asks, making small talk like one does at cocktail parties with people they barely know. Dan nods.

"My wife and I are here for a week."

Something flickers through Blair's eyes. Pain.

"I thought I'd heard something about you getting married." Blair stumbles a little over her words. It's there again. Pain.

"Her name is Emily." Dan says. "She's pretty great."

Blair nods and the pain is there again. She doesn't say anything to Dan, no words of congratulations. She just looks around, opens her purse, pulls out a tube lip gloss, puts it away without putting it on. Finally she looks back at Dan, her gaze holding his just a little too long.

"Well, what a funny coincidence, meeting here like this." Blair says cooly, politely. "Maybe I'll see you in another five years."

"Yeah, maybe." Dan answers, thinking that he may never return to New York again. Not if he's going to run into Blair. Dan forces a smile and things feel strange and awkward between them. He turns to leave, turning away from Blair, leaving her behind, when he hears her call out to him.

"Dan!"

Dan stops then turns around to face Blair. He doesn't want to. He wants to walk away again, to leave her behind. His eyes narrow. He's surprised to feel anger lurking underneath the calmness, leaking out through the cracks. He'd thought the anger was gone after all this time.

"What Blair? What do you want?" Dan snaps, letting go of the politeness. It's been five years. Why call after him. Why not let him walk away? Blair stares at him and Dan stares back. She bites her bottom lip the way she's always done when she's nervous.

"Does she make you happy?"

It's an easy question to answer. Emily makes him happy. She's sweet and loving, she's funny. She's just the right combination of naivete and sophistication. They can talk for hours.

"Yes," Dan answers genuinely. "She makes me happy."

Blair doesn't say anything. She stand there staring at Dan, watching his face, her eyes wide and moist, and Dan thinks she might be crying but he's not sure.

"Happier than I made you?"

It's a simple question and it has a simple answer, except that the answer blows Dan's world apart. He stands there staring back at Blair, and suddenly the last five years never happened and the pain hits him like a strong wind, and he feels like he might be knocked over by it.

Happier than I made you?

"Don't do this, Blair." Dan pleads, his facade crumbling. The walls he's built up start to peel away and Dan feels the anger again, his edges held with gossamer threads that are now all threatening to break, leaving him open and exposed. He feels the lies he's been telling himself for years start to fragment.

This isn't how things are supposed to happen.

They are supposed to run into each other, make niceties, pleasant conversation about nothing, comment on the weather, ask how work is going. They're supposed to shake hands, maybe even hug, and promise to see each other more, both of them knowing they're lying. They're supposed to turn around and walk away from each other again.

"I know you made me happy." Blair whispers. "I didn't know how much until you weren't there anymore."

He's happy with Emily. He's happy with his life. Dan left Blair Waldorf and all her complications behind. At least he thought he had. Until now.

"You can't do this, Blair." Dan spits out. HIs words are full of anger now, no longer hiding behind politeness. "Not now, not ever. You lost your rights. You made your choice. You married him."

...you married him...

Dan's heart breaks again with those words. Blair closes her eyes, opens them again, gazes at him.

"I waited for you to come," she says quietly. "I know you knew I was going to marry Chuck, and I waited for you to come. Up the last minute I hoped you would find me, but you never did."

She is closer to him now and he can see the fine lines that have developed around her eyes, a little bit of gray in her hair she probably forgot to pull out, and he can smell her. Freesia. Sweetness. She smells the same, and he remembers what it was like to hold her in his arms. The anger starts to slip away, replaced by something else, something more complicated, less tangible.

...dammit...

"I couldn't save you," Dan spits out, grasping for his outrage, trying to keep it alive, "I did that. I saved you over and over again, and then I couldn't do it anymore. I got away from you, from all of this, and I wasn't about to come back to save you again. Even if you were marrying Bass. Even if it meant I'd never see you again."

Blair looks hurt. Dan is immediately flooded with regret, the anger slipping further away. It's always been too easy for him to acquit her of her transgressions, too easy for him to see that no matter how ugly things got, Blair always has a good reason for her actions. Even now he wants to forgive her, to take her into his arms and tell her he's sorry. His hands clench and unclench as he fights for control, fights to stay standing there and to not step toward her, one step, two step, and finally feel her in his arms again.

"I just wanted you to be happy." Dan says, his voice softer, kinder. Blair looks relieved, sags a little, and she suddenly looks tired. He finally allows himself to step towards her. One step. Two steps. Closer. So close.

"Tell me that you're happy," Dan whispers, searching her face. "Tell me that all this heartbreak was for something."

...let me go...

He takes her hand in his. It fits. It's always fit so well. Dan feels the muscles in his body relax at her touch and he hadn't even realized he was tensed up. She feels familiar, and he feels a stirring in his groin, a curling of lust, and he tells himself that she's always had this effect on him, that it's just simple attraction. Nothing more. She looks up at him, eyes wide, glistening with tears. He knows what she's going to say before she says it.

"I'm not happy," Blair whispers. "I want to be but I'm sorry Dan, but I'm not. I haven't been happy for a long time."

His heart feels like it's been cut open.

If you'd asked Dan Humphrey on Monday if he was happy, he would have said yes. And he was. He would tell you that he has a good life, a beautiful wife, and that he was happy. Now he realises that the only reason he's ever been able to be happy is that he thought Blair was. Chuck was what she wanted, what she'd fought for. If he'd ever thought differently...

"Don't do this Blair," Dan says again, this time with more force. "Not now. Not after all these years. Lie to me if you have to. Let me go."

"I can't."

"Tell me that you're happy."

"I can't!"

"Please."

Dan suddenly realises that they're mere inches apart, so close that he can hear the soft in and out of her breathing. And as much as he doesn't want to admit it, as much as he really should turn around and walk away, he...oh goodness...he really wants...really wants to kiss her.

What the fuck?

"It's always been you." Blair says so quietly that only Dan can hear her. "It's always been you."

Blair drops his hand and searches his face, looking for something. Dan doesn't know what she wants to find, but after a long moment she turns from him and starts to walk away, her pace slow and deliberate, her shoulders sagging, everything about her demeanor radiating a painful sadness. Dan feels a lump in his throat, feels his chest clench.

...Blair...

If you'd asked Dan Humphrey on Monday if he was happy, he would have answered yes. But on Tuesday everything turned upside down and now he stands in the middle of the Met, not sure of anything anymore. He stands there realizing that it had always been Blair in his heart, after all these years, all this time, and it had never stopped being her. He stands there watching her walk away again, staring until she turns the corner, watching her walk away.

...walk away again...

...dammit...

Dan starts to follow Blair.

...I love Emily...

He leaves the gallery and doesn't see her. He looks left, then right. No sign. Dan heads toward the front of the museum. His footsteps quicken.

...I love my wife...

He starts to run, terrified she'll be gone, he'll never see her again, heart pounding, breathing speeding up.

...but not as much...

Dan pushes through the doors leading outside and blinks in the sunshine, looking around frantically, to his left, to his right, to his left again.

...as I love Blair...

He sees her, a lone figure making her way down the steps, her coat wrapped around her, her shoulders sagging, the wind whipping her hair, and she brings up a hand to push it away from her face.

"Blair!"

Dan calls her name and it gets carried away by the wind. She keeps walking, walking away from him.

"BLAIR!"

Blair stops. She doesn't turn around, just stand there, the wind blowing her hair, her figure looking small and strangely frail for someone Dan knows has always been so strong. He reaches her, puts his hand on her shoulder. She flinches at his touch.

They are back in time, Blair's hand in Dan's as he pulls her up the steps, annoyed that he has dragged her out in the middle of the day, the glare of the afternoon sun making her squint. Blair hates surprises, hates this dress, doesn't like to be cold, and doesn't know why her boyfriend has dragged her here, until he puts the tiara on her head and she's a princess one last time. It's a gift, the kind she'll never get again, more valuable than all the diamonds and flowers Chuck will give her over the next five years. She keeps the tiara, tucked away in pink tissue paper that reminds her of that day, in a box in the back of the closet. She never looks at it.

They are on those same steps again, Dan's hand on Blair's shoulder, Blair turning around to face him, her face streaked with tears, and Dan knows that she would hate herself at this moment, that she wants the world to see her cry like they do in the movies, a single tear glistening on her cheek. Instead she has mascara streaked and her nose is red and she sniffs as she looks at him, and Dan thinks he's never loved her more than this moment.

...I have never stopped loving you...

Five years disappear, and with it all the heartbreak and heartache and sadness and pain that Dan never realized still weighed down his soul Nothing matters. Not Chuck, not Emily. Nothing. They are just Dan and Blair again.

He kisses her. Dan leans down and captures her mouth, and it's soft and sweet, gentle pressure, his lips meeting hers. She sighs at the touch of his lips, a almost inaudible sound. He pulls back, stares down at her, searches her face. Then she kisses him, pulling him toward her, winding her arms around his neck, and the softness is gone, replaced by crushing hunger that leaves Dan wanting more...and more...and more...and...

"Dan!" Blair gasps, breaking the kiss, burying her head in his chest, her chest rising and falling rapidly, her breathing mirroring his. He wraps her arms around her, kisses her head, feels the tears start to sting his eyes. They cling together, the wind blowing. Dan and Blair.

"I'm sorry," he whispers. "I'm so sorry."

It's an apology. For everything. For what he's about to do.

Blair lifts her head from his chest. She looks up at him, then takes his face in her hands and kisses him on the cheek, then on the other cheek. She covers his face with kisses, not caring that they're standing on the steps of the Met for the world to see, Blair Bass, kissing a man who isn't her husband, over and over and over again.

"I love you," says between kisses.

...I love you I love you I love you...

Dan's heart hurts. Because he loves her too. More than he thought possible.

"I'm married, Blair." Dan manages to gasp between kisses. She stops. She stares up at him, her eyes washed over with pain, because she knows what he's saying.

"Don't." Blair says quietly. "Please don't."

"And I love her."

"Please..."

Her lips are trembling, her voice is hoarse.

"enough to makes vows to her."

"No"

"I can't hurt her. Not like this."

Blair is shaking. Dan can feel it through her winter coat. Her arms wrap around him, she holds onto him like he's going to drift away, so tightly Dan's not sure he can breathe.

"If I had known, if only I had known, I would never have married Emily. I would have flown back to New York and stopped your wedding, but I didn't know, and you didn't tell me, and now I just can't do this, I can't hurt her, not like this...not like this..."

The words are tumbling out, faster and faster, a rush of emotion, and he hates every single one, but he knows that it's the truth. The last five years matter.

They are still wrapped around each other, Dan's arms holding Blair up as she starts to sob, her body still shaking, and not from the cold wind that continues to blow. She is shaking because she has finally lost everything, and Dan thinks about those words he said to her so long ago, when everything seemed possible, when the whole world was wide open, when he thought he could love and be loved and nothing else matters.

...you'll still have me...

Not anymore. He drops his arms and Blair sags against him, her arms still wrapped around his chest, holding him for one last time. She mumbles something through the tears and the runny nose, looking up at him, watching his face.

"Never forget me."

"Never," Dan promises.

"I love you," Blair says quietly, knowing those words don't matter.

"I love you too."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

They fly back to California and Dan holds Emily's hand the entire time, feeling how comfortably it rests in his. She smiles and tells him that she really enjoyed New York, and maybe they should consider moving there someday. Dan smiles back and tells her that he'll never go back. It's not the place for him. Emily gazes at him, searching his face, her hand coming up to smooth a curl off his brow.

"You're sad." she says, her face growing serious. She has these moments, when the sunshine fades and she's no longer his golden girl. Dan doesn't like them. He doesn't like that he makes her sad.

"It's just hard to be home." Dan answers. He can't tell her why, can't tell her that he's left his heart in New York, all to protect hers.

"I love you," Emily murmurs, her head on his shoulder. Dan puts his arm around her and pulls her closer.

"I love you too." he answers, the words sounding hollow.

He's not going back. That's what Dan tells himself, until a few months later the phone rings and it's Jenny on the other end of the line, and she's sobbing in between words. Dan only hears two things she says.

Dad. Accident.

Dan is on the next plane to New York and Emily kisses him goodbye in the airport, rubs his arm, tells him she wishes she could go with him. Dan kisses her back, tell her he'll miss her. Then he's on the plane, staring out the window into the darkness. His dad was biking when the car ran a red light and threw him twenty feet. He's in the ICU. They don't know if he's going to make it.

Nate is there when Dan lands, and it's been years since the two friends have seen each other. He pats Dan on the back and tells him he's sorry, and Dan barely hears him. They get into Nate's town car and speed towards the hospital. The lights of the city flash by but Dan doesn't see them. All he can do is stare blankly and wish he had once last chance to talk to his dad. He wants to tell him that he loves him.

The hospital is strangely quiet when they arrive, neon lights reflecting off polished tile floors. Nate's dress shoes click across the floor at they make their way from elevator to elevator, winding towards the ICU. Dan feels like he's in a dream, lights flickering, noises beeping, someone yelling down one hallway. He follows Nate, stumbling a little, trying not to run ahead.

Lily is outside the room. She looks thin and tired and when she sees Dan she runs up to him and wraps her arms around him.

"Daniel," she sighs. "oh, Daniel."

"How is he?" Dan asks, not really wanting to hear the details but not knowing what else to ask. Lily answers him like a pro, saying something about broken bones and blood loss, and he was wearing a helmet, but he's not breathing on his own and she ends by telling Dan that his dad is strong.

"He's one of the strongest men I know," Lily says, gripping Dan's hand in hers. "He's going to be okay."

Dan wishes saying things could make them true.

Dan stays the night. He curls up on the hard window seat in Rufus' room, listening to the steady hiss of the respirator, the occasional dings and beeps of the monitors. They create a macabre symphony that slowly lulls him into a restless sleep where he dreams of car crashes and monsters chasing him and his dad is dead...he's dead...he's dead.

"Dan?"

A soft touch on his shoulder wakes Dan and he opens his eyes to find a pair of brown eyes studying him.

Blair.

He doesn't even say her name, just takes her hand and pulls her towards him until she's in his arms, his face buried in her shoulder, and only then does he let himself cry, the tears roll down his face, his shoulders shake as he releases all of the worry and fear that has been pushed into the back of his mind ever since he answered the phone and Jenny told him that Rufus was hurt.

"Shhhhh..." Blair whispers, her hand rubbing his back, up and down, up and down, "Let it go, my love. Let it go."

"My dad," Dan manages to say. "I can't lose my dad."

"You need some rest."

He's barely slept in the last twenty four hours, he's been holding it all together, and now, as Blair holds him and rocks him, Dan can finally let go. Weariness courses through him and suddenly he feels like he can barely stand up.

"Let me take you home."

"Please," Dan says tiredly. He's not sure where home is but he'll go wherever she takes him. He doesn't care.

Blair helps Dan up from the window seat where he's been trying to sleep. He feels stiff and achy as he stands up, wobbles a little, and Blair steadies him with her hand. Her arm goes around his waist and he leans on her as they make their way out of the hospital to her waiting town car. She holds his hand the entire ride, glancing over at him now and then, squeezing his fingers so he knows she's still there. When they pull up to her penthouse, Dan looks over at Blair, surprised.

"What about Chuck?" he asks.

Blair smiles sadly. "I left him." she says quietly. Her words sink in slowly through the haze that has surrounded Dan since he found out about Rufus' accident.

...I left him...

"Why?" Dan asks, still trying to understand what she's just told him. Blair watches him, swallows, bites her lower lip.

"Because I love you."

...because I love you...

Dan looks at Blair. She looks afraid, but she refuses to look away, refuses to break his gaze. They are sitting in the town car, staring at each other, eyes locked. Blair reaches towards him, touching the back of his hand, and the moment her fingers make contact with his skin Dan feels hunger tear through him. He gasps her name out loud.

"Blair."

He wants her, wants her more than he ever has before, want to feel her skin against him, wants to feel something besides all of the pain and fear, wants to kiss her and make her moan, he wants her now. Right now. Right here.

"Upstairs." Blair says, her voice hoarse, and he can hear that she wants him too. Dan watches her through heavy-lidded eyes and barely manages to nod through the haze of lust. She is wanton, lips parted, staring at him.

Upstairs.

They stand on opposite ends of the elevator, both of them breathing hard and fast, not touching, teetering on the edge of control. They say nothing to each other, no pleasant chit chat, no words of thanks. There's nothing to say. Dan feels desire coiling in his stomach, tearing at his edges, and the moment they step into the familiar foyer he takes her into his arms and crushes his mouth to hers in a punishing kiss.

Blair moans as their lips meet, opening her mouth, tongues sliding against each other, and her hands pull at his shirt until it's untucked and her hands are sliding under the fabric, up his chest. She finds his nipples and grazes them with her fingers. Dan groans at her touch.

Everything is too slow. He wants her, wants her now, wants to be inside her, wants to come, wants that release. Fingers fumble with zippers and buttons, Blair pulls off her underwear as his fingers flick open the buttons of her dress, unclasp her bra, and then Dan is walking her backwards, kissing her, one hand on her breast, and she puts her arms around his neck and hoists herself up, Dan's hands barely grabbing her bare ass to steady her, liking the feel of her skin on his hands, her legs wrapping around his waist, her mouth never leaving his.

If he had half a mind he'd talk dirty and tell her he wants to fuck her. If he wasn't crazy with desire. If his dad wasn't in the hospital. If he wasn't a married man. But words will ruin the moment, so he just carries Blair over to the living room couch, lowers her down and spreads her legs with his hands. That's when Dan stops, hovering over her, Blair's dress pushed up around her waist, her top unbuttoned, her breasts exposed. She is breathing hard, wanton, her legs spread open, pushing her hips into the couch, grinding them, begging for release, her eyes never leaving his. She watches him with half-lidded eyes brown eyes dark with desire, watches him, never looking away. Dan feels like he might explode. He slides between her legs, pushes himself against her wetness, hears her moan, she lifts her hips and then he's inside her and Blair finally says something, his name. He loves how she says his name.

"Dan!"

Fucking Blair after all these years is catharsis. He moves his hips, sliding in and out of her vagina, feeling the friction, faster and faster, and it's so good, so good, their bodies sweating, slapping together, faster, faster, until she's gripping his back and calling his name again, and that's when Dan comes. He bucks against her, everything tightening up then releasing, and he calls out her name too.

They collapse against each other, sweat mingling with sweat, and Dan feels exhaustion take over and he's not sure if he can move.

"Let's get you to bed," Blair murmurs in his ear. "You've had a long day, my love."

Dan nods wearily. Somehow he manages to get off the couch and Blair leads him up the curved staircase, up to her room, where he crawls into bed, sinks into the soft mattress, lets her pull the covers up around him. She climbs in next to him, smooth his forehead with her hand, over and over until Dan falls asleep.

They never talk about what they're doing.

Jenny is there the next day. Dan and Blair are sitting in the window seat, Blair's head on Dan's shoulder when Jenny walks into the room. She is wearing leggings, a fashionable top, impossibly high heels and dragging a rolling suitcase behind her. It's been a long time since Dan saw his little sister, and he's amazed at how grown-up and sophisticated she looks. Blair jerks her head off Dan's shoulder when Jenny arrives and Dan gets up and gives his sister a big hug.

"How is he?" Jenny asks.

"He's not worse today," Dan answers. It's the best he has at the moment.

Jenny's eyes go to Blair.

"Hi Blair."

Blair stays seated across the room. Not because of old feuds or bad blood. That's long-over. She looks out of place and uncomfortable, because she is, but Jenny says nothing about what she saw or what she might think. Not at that moment.

"Hi Jenny." Blair says politely. She stands up and walks over to Dan, touching him on the arm.

"I'm going to go get coffee."

Dan nods and Blair walks out of the room leaving Jenny and Dan alone.

"Why is she here?" Jenny asks, her tone biting, and Dan winces because he knows what's coming next.

"Jenny," he starts, not quite sure what to tell her, not quite sure himself why she's here or what's going on, "Blair..."

...is my friend, is my lover, is the love of my life...

He remembers the night before, fucking her on the couch, and Dan burns with lust and shame, heat climbing up his face as he stares at his sister, trying to find the words to explain something he doesn't quite understand himself.

"Blair what?" Jenny asks, her hands on her hips. "What about Emily? What about your wife?"

Dan feels his heart clench. Nothing, even the fact that he's always loved Blair, changes the fact that he's cheating on his wife.

"It's complicated," Dan ends lamely, not knowing what else to say. Not really knowing if there's anything he can say. The machines around them whir and beep as Jenny and Dan stand, looking at each other, at an impasse. "I just need dad to get better. Then I can figure things out."

It's not a lie. He's stuck in limbo, stuck between his life in California and the pull of New York. Stuck between two women, the one he has made a vow to and the one who has his heart. His dad is stuck between life and death, hovering in between, machines keeping him from one or the other. Dan can't do anything about Blair or Emily until he knows which way his dad will go.

Jenny nods at his words and she seems to understand. They are all stuck until Rufus gets better, or until he gets worse.

"I won't lie for your, brother." she finally says.

"I would never ask you to."

Dan has no idea what will happen next. The future has ceased to exist.

Dan spends his days at the hospital and his nights in Blair's arms. He talks to Emily on the phone, tells her not to come, that he'll be home soon. She says he sounds distant, tired. Dan tells her not to worry.

Jenny doesn't say anything about Blair after the day she arrives. They takes shifts, Lily, Jenny and Dan spending alternate nights. Blair is always there with Dan and no one questions why. All the rules have been set aside, the moral outrage that accompanies an affair, the guilt that should eat through Dan's consciousness. It's been decommissioned by trauma, and all Dan cares about is Blair is there with him. Every day. He needs her. He can't breathe without her.

Rufus gets better. He breathes on his own. He is weaned off the meds. Dan is there the day he wakes up, sitting next to the bed, and the first thing he tells his dad is that he loves him, grabbing his hand, eyes shining with tears, and Dan has never been happier to feel his father's hand in his. Rufus looks at Dan, then to Blair, who is standing next to Dan, her hand resting on Dan's shoulder, then back to Dan.

"Blair?" he asks, his voice hoarse and tired.

"It's complicated." Dan says. "I'll explain later. Just rest."

His dad's eyes flutter shut and he falls back asleep. Dan lays his father's hand on the bed then stands up and Blair wraps her arms around him and Dan cries. Blair shushes him, rubs her hand across his back, whispers in his ear that it's over.

Dan calls Lily right away, then Jenny. Blair's arms never leave him, stay around his waist, her head on his shoulder, and Dan knows why she's clinging to him.

This is over. They are over.

They spend one last night together, making love, and this time it's slow and sweet and Dan's heart is breaking in a million pieces as he covers Blair's naked body with kisses, finds all the ways to make her gasp, memorizes her. Finally he drifts off to sleep, his arms around her, pressed up against her back, legs curled around each other, his breathing slowing, becoming deep and even as his eyes close.

Blair is watching him when he wakes up.

"You have to go back." she says. It's a statement. Not a question, not a plea. It's fact. They both know it.

"I can't stay here."

"Will you stay there?" Blair asks.

"I don't know."

There are no lies between them. Dan really doesn't know what he'll do. He's crossed a line in New York, although he's not sure which is worse: betraying his wife physically or not loving her more enough in the first place.

"I love you," Blair whispers, leaning forward and kissing Dan. He closes his eyes,

"I love you too," Dan answers. He's not sure how much it matters.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

He returns to California.

Blair takes him to the airport, holds onto him until the last minute. They don't say anything about the past or the future. Blair doesn't even ask him to call or email. She puts her arms around him and buries her face in the soft flannel of his shirt.

"At least I've had you for a little while." Blair whispers.

The flight is long. Dan stares out the window, thinking. Everything has changed since he got the call from Jenny. Everything.

Emily is there when he lands, running up to him, throwing her arms around him. Finally the guilt hits Dan as he hugs his wife back. She links her arm through his as they walk toward the parking lot, telling him she's glad Rufus is okay, that she's sorry she couldn't come, that maybe they should go visit as soon as she can get some time off.

Dan is quiet.

They climb into their car and Emily turns to him.

"I'm sorry you've been through all this, baby," she says. "I know it can change a person forever."

She knows something is different. Dan feels the guilt creeping up on him. He hopes some time will dull the pain. It doesn't.

Days turn into weeks. It's raining, and Dan can't shake the melancholy. Emily is sweet, bringing him tea, letting him sleep. All he wants to do is sleep. He misses Blair. He dreams about Blair. He's weighed down heavily with loss. She knows something is wrong but she thinks it's Rufus, that almost losing his dad has left Dan in a deep funk. The eaves drip and he lies in bed listening to the drops hit the deck, listening to the rain running off the roof.

One day he comes home to find a visitor. He turns the key in the lock, pushes the door open, and Emily is there, getting up to greet him, arms wrapping around his waist, smiling up at him.

"I have a surprise, baby," she says. Emily's head turns toward the living room and Dan follows her gaze. The room sways a little as he sees who is sitting on the couch holding a glass of water.

Blair.

Blair puts her water on the coffee table, stands up and smooths her skirt. Dan can't speak.

"I should have called," Blair apologizes. She's watching Dan, watching his face.

"Blair," Dan finally manages to say and he knows in that moment that he's said too much. Her name is laden with emotion. Emily looks at him then looks at Blair.

"I had some business...I should have called." Blair looks nervous, out of place, perched stiffly on the edge of their contemporary couch.

"No," Emily says, walking across the room, sitting down next to Blair, taking Blair's hand in hers. Blair jumps a little at Emily's touch. "I'm glad you came by. I've never met Dan's friends from New York. He doesn't talk much about living there."

"There's not much to talk about," Dan explains, still standing in the middle of the room, still shocked to find Blair in his living room, talking to his wife.

"It was a long time ago," Blair agrees. She looks at him again. Dan's heart clenches.

"It helps me understand him," Emily says. "I think I've always wondered about that time, and I've been to New York, I've met his family, and now I've met you."

The silence is deafening. Blair twists her hands in her lap. Dan looks anywhere but at Emily. Finally Blair stands up.

"I should go." she says, turning to Emily. "It was nice to meet you."

Emily stands up, takes Blair into her arms, hugs her.

"It was nice to meet you too."

Blair walks towards the door, towards Dan, brushing past him. Dan turns, telling her he'll walk out. He still can't look at Emily.

The sky is dark, heavy rain clouds as far as the eye can see. The air is heavy, warm, tinged with anticipation. It doesn't rain often in Southern California, but when it does, the skies open up, and sometimes there is lightening and thunder. This is one of those evenings, gray light making everything seem bright and clean, and everything feels electrified.

Dan walks next to Blair, neither of them saying anything. Her car is parked on the curb, a shiny bland rental, and she stops next to it, turning to Dan.

"I'm sorry." Blair says. "I thought I knew why I came here. I thought it would change things, or make thing better, and it hasn't, but it's helped."

"Blair." Dan says, her name sounding strange in the quiet, the ocean roaring in the background.

"No." Blair says softly, "I get it now. I know why you wouldn't leave her for me. She's lovely."

Blair gazes out past the houses, toward the ocean, staring into the distance. Dan puts his hand on his shoulder. They stand there, apart yet together, letting the silence lie between them.

"Chuck never loved me enough," Blair says, her voice raw. "I was the prize in a game for him. In the end all we had left was the ability to hurt each other. Whatever we thought we had, that epic love that I couldn't let go of for you all those years ago, it was just a lie we told ourselves. Emily. She's different. She's not Chuck. She loves you."

Blair turns to Dan, her eyes shining with tears.

"You told me you wanted me to be happy, that you wanted all this heartbreak to be for something."

Dan moves his hand off her shoulder and reaches to hold hers.

"That's all I want for you. Emily can make you happy. I think she did until we ran into each other at the Met. I think she can again."

The wind picks up, the rain starts to fall, pelting their faces, beading up in their hair.

"You asked me to lie to you, begged me to let you go."

Dan tastes salt. Tears.

"I can't lie to you. I love you. I'll love you the rest of my life."

She holds onto his hand so tightly that it almost hurts.

"But I can let you go."

Blair turns to face Dan. He looks down at her, her hair plastered to forehead, her eyes wide, luminous, and he feels love for her that threatens to bring him to his knees, to consume him, and Dan knows he'll never feel like this again, never with anyone else. Just as she's finally letting him go he realizes that all he needs is her.

Blair wraps her arms around him, and they hold each other, the rain coming down in sheets, their clothing soaked through, then she pulls away and walks around to the drivers side of her car. Dan stands on the curb watching her as she opens it and climbs in. The car shudders as it starts then Blair drives away. From him. Out of his life.

Dan hurts.

He turns around, walks slowly back to the home he shares with his wife. The rain is starting to slow, no longer a downpour, droplets drifting down from the sky. Dan pushes the door open, walks into his living room to find Emily is still sitting on the couch. The sun has almost slipped over the horizon and the light is dim. She's turned on a lamp that sits on one of their end tables and the light casts her face in shadows. Dan stands before her, soaked through, not sure what to say, not sure if there's anything he can say.

"You call out her name in your sleep."

Emily's voice is matter of fact.

"You know what's funny, I only discovered this because I love you, Dan. I love you so much, and sometimes I like to watch you sleep. I sit in that old chair at the foot of our bed with the lamp dimmed all the way down and just watch you sleep. There's something about the way you breathe. It calms me, makes me feel safe."

She looks away from him, stares at the light that makes a pool on their hardwood floor. Dan stands there, not moving, not saying anything, listening.

"You haven't slept well since we came back from that trip to New York. Something changed after that, and I couldn't quite put a finger on it, and that's when you started calling out her name."

She looks back at him, her eyes accusing.

"I didn't know what it meant, thought something from your past had come up during that trip. You were so quiet on the way home. Then your dad was in his accident, and you were gone for a couple weeks, and I wanted to come, to help you, and you kept telling me to stay here...I started to hate New York. I wish we'd never gone."

So does Dan.

"Then today she shows up, knocks on the door, says her name is Blair, that she's an old friend. I was so happy to meet one of your old friends. Then you walked in and then I saw how you looked at her, and everything clicked into place."

"Emily," Dan says softly, pleading.

"No." she says, her voice sharp, "no, you don't get to talk. Not now. Let me finish."

It's the least he can do.

"What I want to know, Dan," Emily says, getting up from the couch, walking toward him, "is if you ever loved me at all?"

"Yes," Dan gasps. He loved her. He still does. Emily's face brightens a little then falls.

"But not as much as her."

Dan can't say anything. What she says is true. He's never loved her the way he loves Blair. He never will. He might actually be the love of Emily's life but she'll always be second best for him.

She's crying now, tears running down her face, and Dan thinks that she's never been more beautiful, standing in front of him, heartbroken. He wants to take her in his arms, to swear to her that she's really the one he wants, that he'll stay with her, love her forever. It would be a lie.

"I'm going to my sisters house," Emily says. "I need some time. I need to think. Then I'm going to call a lawyer and I'm going to let you go."

His gut twists.

"No," Dan says, taking a step towards her. Emily steps back, keeping distance between them. "I can...we can figure this out. I love you."

"But not enough."

She's right.

Emily walks out of their house, out of Dan's life. The door shuts and Dan is left standing in their living room, in the middle of their life that has just tumbled down around him.

If you had asked Dan Humphrey on a Monday if he was happy, he would have answered no.

He'd walked away from the Upper East Side five years ago, left it all behind. But now he knows he also left his heart there.

On Monday his wife walked away from him, taking a piece of his heart. On Tuesday he's sitting on an airplane, going home. Back to her. Blair.

By the time he arrives at the penthouse, Dan is soaking wet. The rain has followed him from California, and when the cab he's sitting in becomes stuck in traffic, He decides that he might as well walk the ten or so more blocks to Blair's. He's brought nothing except the clothes on his back and his wallet, nothing but himself. His shoes splash in puddles, wetting the cuffs of his jeans, his hair is slicked against his head, beads of water run down his nose.

By the time he arrives at the penthouse, Dan is breathing hard, shaking with anticipation. He stabs at the elevator button too many times until the doors slide open, then Dan watches as the numbers climb, up, up to the top. When the doors finally slide open he finds Blair standing in the foyer, staring at him, and he briefly thinks that the doorman must have called her, told her a bedraggled, soaking wet man was heading her way. He sees Blair's eyes widen in surprise.

"Dan!"

He says nothing, steps forward, takes her into his arms, crushes her to his chest, and Blair doesn't complain that his wet clothes are soaking her too, because his mouth is on hers, kissing her, his hands are in her hair, on her shoulders, pulling her even closer, until she is pressed against him with no space between them.

It's been five years since he walked away and now he walks back in, walks toward her.

He is home.

~fin~


End file.
